Hi! I am Marvin

The person that you will spend the most time within your life is yourself. Better try to make yourself as interesting as possible.

Yan yung prompt ko for today (tonight, actually, since I'm starting this one pretty late) and the first thing I want to highlight is the part that says "as interesting as possible."

If I'm given just one word to describe myself, I'll use the word "curious". Bakit? Kasi matanong ako, lahat inuusisa at iniisip ko. Kahit mga bagay na dapat ata hindi na, iniisip ko pa din.

If I'm given three words, I'll use "writer", "gamer" and "me". Bakit? Kasi…

Writer

Isa daw sa mga basic requirements para maging writer, dapat palabasa ka. Check! In fact, minsan nagkakasagutan kami ni Mama kasi pag may pera ako, libro agad ang binibili ko. For every shirt I have, siguro may 5 libro ako. At yun ang ayaw ni Mama, sabi niya bumili naman ako ng mga damit minsan. Kasi kung nakikita mo ako, mabibilang mo yung shorts at shirts na meron ako. Yes, I don't go out much but when I do, I wear the same thing over and over.

While I don't consider myself a bookworm, I think I read more than the average guy my age. And I'm pretty sure I "write" more than most people. For starters, most social interaction I have become drafts of a dialogue.

Mahiyain kasi ako. Hindi ako basta-basta nagsisimula ng usapan at wala akong interes sa mga maliliit na bagay. Politics, religion (not faith), the weather, current events and gossip are very tiring topics for me. Oo, minsan interesante pero sobrang minsan lang. Remember when Mayor Duterte announced we'll be "separating" from the USA? That got me curious pero nung binaliktad, or rather in-explain, niya yung sinabi niya, it was suddenly old news. He'll say one thing, the media will broadcast it word for word, then he'll say he's being taken out of context then proceed to "explain" what he really said. Nakakagago lang.

And now I'm blabbering, back to me being a "writer". Ayun nga, most social interactions become dialogue. And dull scenarios become a scene in my movie. Yup, I'm "writing" a movie about me. At syempre, ako yung bida. Ako yung magliligtas sa mundo. Ako yung bida na nadapa pero bumangon ulit, lumaban at nanalo. Ako yung bida na, sa dulo ng kwento, makukuha yung leading lady. Ako yung baliw na ginagawang kwento ang lahat ng bagay para maging mas madali.

I always say that I hate happy endings. Hindi naman kasi nangyayari sa totoong buhay na maglalakad ka sa kalye pagkatapos ng isang laban tapos may badass background music tapos you'll act so cool and you'll wear a sunglass while everything behind you blows up. Real life doesn't work that way.

But in books and movies, it happens.

Nabanggit ko na (ata?) yung feeling ko dati na ayoko na mabuhay, kwento ko naman yung isang paraan paano ako nakabalik. Just keep in mind that I'm crazy, I love The Matrix trilogy and one of my dreams is to become a spy. Keep those things in mind before heading to the next part.

Okay na? Game!

I once used the handle eXMarvin to signify that I'm not the old Marvin. Nakuha ko yun sa mga spy movies kung saan ang unang ginagawa ng mga espiya ay ang mamatay Tapos pag patay na sila, magkakaroon sila ng new identity. Sa Matrix ko naman nakuha yung "there is no spoon". Now combine those things with my craziness and you'll get my method: I roleplay.

Pag konti na lang yung pera ko sa bulsa, iniisip ko "Even James Bond isn't always wearing a suit or drinking Martini." Pag nakalimutan kong i-zipper yung shorts/slacks ko (which happens a lot, not even going to give a reason here): "All these people are just code." Pag may na-experience akong sobrang di ko kaya, tatambay ako sa taguan ko (isang coffee shop na hindi Starbucks) tapos magbabasa ako habang kunwari may hinihintay o minamanmanan. Pag iniisip ko bakit nasa college pa rin ako kahit Level 27 na ako at bakit dun pa ako sa "school" na yung napunta: "You were forced, remember? You had to lay low, you had to hide from imminent danger."

Pag naaalala ko how, at Level 27, I've never had a girlfriend and the experiences that come with it, I just make up a story. She was wiped from my memory. I had one but that fact is classified for her own good, she thinks I'm dead and she's already moved on. I had one but she died of a disease and I promised never to love again. She turned out to be my enemy. I'm an alien and I shouldn't love a female human but I did and that got her in trouble. At marami pang iba.

You see, I re-write my life for it to be bearable. If I don't, if I just accept the raw data coming in, I won't be here.

Kaya pag napapatulala ako, alam mo na. Nagsusulat ako.

Gamer

I chose life over death many years ago and one of the reasons is gaming. Yup, I'm so excited for the future of gaming that it literally saved my life. Partida, wala pang VR noon. Ang inaabangan ko lang yung next update ng League of Legends, yung susunod na MMORPG na lalaruin ko, yung next installment ng Need for Speed, yung crack ng Diablo 3 at ang magkaroon ng sariling gaming PC + fast internet.

OA ba? Parang hindi totoo? Pero promise, totoo yan.

Why, you ask? Gaming gives us the chance to play roles we'll (most likely) never get to play in real life. I can't be The Swift Scout, The Tidecaller, the tank or the healer, the best driver or the High Heaven's saviour in real life.

But in games I could and I have become a hero. Remember that craziness of how I re-write my own life? Guess what, in games I could do that and see the results in glorious 1080p at 60fps. Beat that!

And some games give us the rare opportunity to have a collective, but very deep, experience. Take The Walking Dead video game by Telltale. Hindi ko na matandaan kung nabasa ko o napanood ko pero nakakatuwa na hindi lang ako yung nakaramdam ng totoong emosyon para kay Clementine. One of my most vivid memory of that game was with the cannibals at a farm, I think. Okay, vivid siya kasi, kahit hindi ko matandaan yung specifics ng scenario, the fear and anger were real. I think one of the cannibals tried to take her and I was like "P***! Wag mong hahawakan si Clementine! Papatayin kitaaa! Papatayin kitaaa!" insert tears here

And, after that scenario, I stopped playing the game. I tried again, just recently, pero nung naaalala ko yung scenario na yun, tumigil ulit ako. Ayoko na ulit makitang malagay sa kapahamakan yung bata sa video game. How stupid, right?

Another example is the white phosphorus scene from Spec Ops: The Line. Pareho kami ng reaction ng kapatid ko sa scene na yun: "F*ck!"

Me

Tapos na yung writer at gamer, yung "me" naman. Actually, madaya yung isang to. I'm using a word to describe myself with a word that is, inherently, undefined unless I could define myself. Gets mo? Kumbaga circular reference e. The definition of "me" is exactly that: me.

Anyway, this one I can't explain. Yet.

Will I always be socially awkward? Or will I grow to be a great speaker?

Will I always be single (but not alone) ? Or will the heavens send me an angel? (Please let the answer be "yes".)

Am I really destined to write? Or am I just blabbering, spewing nonsense and wasting both our time?

Where am I, in the grand scheme of things? Am I in the wrong place? Am I in the wrong time? Will I be what I planned out to be? Or will I be someone I never thought I could be?

Sa totoo lang, wala akong sagot sa mga yan.

Kaya, kung nabasa mo to, wag na wag mo akong sasabihan na "Describe yourself." Malamang mag-malfunction ako tapos mag-BSoD na lang ako sa harap mo.